A short story by Ava Shaffer
“RA on duty,” comes the flat call of Randy Rogers, the average RA. He yawns, rubbing sleep out of his eyes, remembering why the 2 am room checks were his least favorite part of the job. This may be midday for his residents, but it certainly is not for him. He raises his hand, preparing to knock on the common room door. But when his knuckles brush against the wood, the door promptly abandons its hinges and falls to the floor with an unceremonious thud.
Mouth agape, Randy steps into the room, surveying the scene before him. His heart falls to his stomach. Broken glass, dozens of empty beer bottles, holes in the wall, a ping pong table snapped in two. A couch laying on its side, a cracked light fixture, and the painting of Horrorvard University's president, Eviline VanderPumpkin, gravely defaced. Randy runs his fingertips along claw marks so deep in the wall that the wallpaper is peeling off around the gashs. That’s when he feels the cold water touch his ankles.
He jumps back, a high-pitched squeal escaping him. His eyes follow the puddle’s path from the common area to the first resident dorm in the hallway. Randy splashes his way through the water pooling around the door, eyeing the Sexy Mermaid Babes Only sign on the door. Deciding to ignore it, he pushes the door open, leaning back as more water pours from the opened crack.
“Randy! My man!” drawls a greenish-blue creature from the middle of the room. Submerged in his bathtub-sized aqua tank, Leo the Lochness Monster grins at his RA with jagged teeth. His face gills breathe lazily as he leans against the glass of his tank, his green six-pack abs evident due to his lack of shirt. His tiny red speedo, with a cutout for his tail, leaves little to the imagination.
“You’re leaking! Again!” Randy proclaims, his shaky voice cracking halfway through the sentence. He gestures fervidly to the water trail leading out of the room. As Randy tries to maneuver his way to any place in the dorm room that isn’t completely soaked, he hears cans rustling. His head snaps up, his gaze narrowing.
“What is in your tail?” Randy asks, his voice slipping into a serious tone. Leo doesn’t even have the competency to hide his smile as his long finned tail snakes out from behind him. Clutched in the appendage are three White Claws, of various flavors.
“Want the- hicc- mango flavored- hicc- one?” He offers, hiccuping his way through the sentence.
Randy huffs, throwing his skinny arms up in the air dramatically. “What did I tell you about mixing hard seltzers into your tank? These Horrorvard University regulated aqua tanks should only be used for liquids you need to live!”
Leo is too busy guzzling another carbonated seltzer to hear his RA’s chides. After finishing the raspberry White Claw in one long gulp, he throws it behind him. The can floats in the water as Leo burps loudly, bubbles emerging from his mouth and gills.
Before Randy could start pulling out his pamphlets on Horrorvard’s underaged alcohol consumption policy, he hears a rhythmic thudding coming from the wall. He pauses to listen for a second, and is dismayed to hear the sounds of screaming and squelching follow.
“That’ll- hicc- be Viv again. Hicc - I saw them with that new tour - hicc- guide,” Leo calls, swimming lazily on his back.
Leaving the room in a haste, and only slipping on a puddle once, Randy bustles towards Viv’s room. Their heavy coffin-shaped door groans open, and Randy immediately flips on the lights.
An angry hiss shoots its way towards him, as the shapes in the room come into focus. Viv the Vampire stands bent over a naked, already dead, girl in a Horrorvard U t-shirt. Cherry-red blood covers the tour guide, the carpet, and the furniture. Viv bares their fangs at Randy, obviously annoyed to be interrupted mid-feed.
“Do you have any idea how hard it is to scrub blood out of this carpet?” Randy shouts, pointing to the spot where the poor tour guide’s neck blood is dripping into a pool on the floor. Viv rolls their eyes, grabbing a pink Hydro Flask, and props it under the blood stream. Definitely a snack for later.
“Your sex or feeding noises or whatever it is you do in here is too loud! It disturbs the other residents and the university is running low on tour guides!” Randy yells in distress.
“Well, the dining halls don’t accommodate my diet,” Viv replies casually.
Not looking to become their next meal, Randy leaves Viv’s room. His frustration with his residents and their peculiar mannerisms have started to become just too much for him. Maybe he should resign, hang up his RA lanyard and let some other poor unfortunate soul try managing these monsters. His thoughts spiral and spiral, his skin becoming itchier and itchier. Randy scratches at his arms, pulling the fabric of his shirt away from the back of his neck. He stumbles into the bathroom, right to the sink where he splashes some cool water on his face to calm down.
Then he goes into one of the stalls, sits down on the disgusting communal bathroom toilet seat, and reaches for the toilet paper. His fingertips grasp at an empty container. A loud sigh leaves Randy’s lips as he looks down and sees toilet paper wrapped feet in the stall next to him.
“Manny?” Randy calmly asks the mummy.
“Yes?” Manny replies.
“Have you been using the toilet paper for your wrapping again?”
“Yes. Unfortunately there is none left in the entire hall,” Manny responds in his nasally voice.
This is Randy’s final straw. He springs up from the toilet, bellowing in anger. Running into the hall, not even bothering to wash his hands, Randy yells- “ALL HALL MEETING IN THE COMMON AREA- NOW!” Randy paces back and forth angrily and anxiously as he waits for the residents to emerge from their rooms. First is Wanda the Witch, her purple hair and septum piercing matching the black cat tattoo on her forearm. The wrinkles on her My Chemical Romance shirt rustle as she shuffles her tarot cards between her ringed fingers. Popping a bubblegum bubble she asks, “What’s all this about?”
Too aggravated to respond to her attitude, Randy simply points to a chair for her to sit in. Wanda rolls her eyes, muttering “Whatever,” as she takes a seat.
Next to arrive is Viv, who is licking the blood off their fingertips. They plop down into the seat next to Wanda as Leo enters the room. He changed into his astronaut helmet filled with water so he can walk in dry air, yet his speedo is still on. Randy tries to ignore the pop tab of the White Claw floating in Leo’s helmet but knows he will have to give him that pamphlet sooner than later. Then Manny trudges out of the bathroom, walking slowly with his arms poised in front of him so he can find a proper seat. Cheap one-ply dorm toilet paper trails after his foot. Finally, the last resident arrives.
Daisy the Druid enters the room and immediately it smells like marijuana. Her skin is a pale green, her hair a dark purple, and her bloodshot eyes a bright red. She waves dazedly at her hallmates and toys with the flowers in her hair as she sits cross-legged next to the other residents.
“I think you all know why I called this all hall meeting,” Randy starts once he gets his anger under control.
The rambunctious residents suddenly decide now is the perfect time to be quiet.
No longer able to keep his composure, Randy bursts. “Things are out of control! Look at this mess! Broken furniture, shattered glass, someone even drew a halo on Eviline VanderPumpkin’s portrait!” Snickers fill the room.
“Now which one of you invited the Sorority Sirens over here last night?” His eyes narrow in on Leo. “You know that wherever they go, the Fraternity Frankenstein's follow! All they do is destroy and piss on everything!”
At this, Manny responds. “I helped clean it up though,” he says, pointing to some of the used toilet paper wrapped around his leg.
Leo laughs and hiccups so violently some of the water from his helmet sloshes onto the floor. Manny pulls apart some of his neck wrappings and cleans up the spill for him.
The residents don’t seem to be getting the message so Randy tries a more personal approach. He glares at Leo. “You need to pull yourself together! You cannot go through all of college being drunk.”
“Yeah man, that stuff’ll kill you,” comes an airy voice next to the couch.
Randy wheels around to face Daisy. “Oh, don’t act so innocent. I know you are growing weed in your room- that stuff will kill you just as fast as alcohol does.”
“And you,” he continues, on a roll now. He points at Wanda. “Stop setting off the smoke alarms when you make ramen. Just cook it in the microwave like everyone else.”
“But cauldron ramen just tastes better,” she complains. “If you’re going to get mad at anyone, get mad at Manny! He’s the one who steals all our toilet paper.”
Manny looks sheepishly down at the ground, nervously fidgeting with the loose wrappings around his ankle.
“Or get mad at Viv,” Wanda continues. “They are always having the loudest sex and killing innocents even though they know we can hear them through these thin walls.”
Viv turns to hiss at Wanda, who is already pulling out the wand from her black Doc Marten boots. Leo and Manny are starting to bicker about the toilet paper, and Daisy is rolling herself a joint.
The conversations and voices and complaints pile and pile into Randy’s head. His clothes feel tighter, his skin feels warmer. He starts to absentmindedly scratch at his arms while he paces. The stress of being an RA is just too much for him.
Randy’s residents notice his actions and stop their fighting.
“Is it hot in here?” Randy asks, fanning himself with his hand.
Wanda grins, exchanging knowing glances with the other residents.
“Why don’t you go open a window?” Viv prompts, with a devilish glint in their black eyes.
Randy nods his head at the idea, moving towards the window. His fingers wrap around the latch, ready to open it, but he freezes when he looks outside. Everyone goes still.
“Full moon tonight,” Leo whispers excitedly to Manny. Daisy giggles and blows a perfect smoke ring. The ring floats slowly over to Randy, who is still frozen next to the window. When it reaches him, it breaks on his shoulder and just like that, his frozen spell is broken too.
Thick, brown hair juts out from his pores. It covers his face, his hands, his neck. His teeth elongate and sharpen, his feet growing to twice their usual size. His fingernails lengthen and darken to the color of coal. His back curves, ripping apart his usual button-up shirt, the RA lanyard splitting in half from the movement.
The residents watch his transformation in awe and excitement, anticipating what is to come next.
Randy turns around, his eyes now a vivid yellow. He howls. Flips the nearest chair into the wall, scratches the portrait of Eviline VanderPumpkin, smashes a hand sanitizer dispenser into smithereens.
“Unleash the party animal!” Leo shouts, his tail holding up a bottle of Tito’s. Cheers cascade through the room, and the rumbling sound of hundreds of feet hitting the ground filter into the building. In bursts the Sorority Sirens, the Fraternity Frankensteins, and countless other monster residents. Someone must have brought a speaker because suddenly everyone’s favorite, The Monster Mash, plays loudly throughout the room. Drinks are shared, voices are rising, and Randy the Werewolf is the life of the party.
Wanda grins. “This is going to be a wicked good night.”
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